


Let me Be (Who I Am Isn't Who You Wanted)

by RobinsonsWereHere



Category: Psych
Genre: (the toxic relationship being frank and maryanne), Angst, Angst with no happy ending, Character Study, F/M, Family Angst, Family Feels, Flashbacks, Introspection, Toxic Relationship, backgrounds shules, based off personal headcanons and what little we know about the o'hara family, messed up family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-26 03:26:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20735471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinsonsWereHere/pseuds/RobinsonsWereHere
Summary: 1981- Maryanne O'Hara decides that one more baby might be just enough to keep her husband on the straight and narrow. She's near desperate to keep him from a life of crime.2015- After an argument with her mother, Juliet O'Hara asks her brother why it is that she seems to be the only one Maryanne talks to about Frank... and gets way more of an answer than she'd bargained for.(Or, Juliet O'Hara spent her childhood wishing her dad would stop upsetting her mom, so they could all be happy again. Thirty-odd years later, she finds out they might never have been happy at all.)





	Let me Be (Who I Am Isn't Who You Wanted)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Just FYI, because I know the POV change is kinda confusing- the italics are flashbacks, and all of the flashbacks are from Maryanne's POV. They all start with a bolded date. I tried alternatives, so that it fit in better with the present parts of the story, but this was the best way for me to tell the story I wanted to tell.

Juliet sits down across the table from her mother, heaving a sigh of relief. “Amanda took the boys home, and Oliver and Tony have left for the night, too. As long as Shawn and Gus keep Thomas entertained with that Star Wars marathon, I think we’re in good shape.”

Maryanne offers a brief smile, still flipping through Juliet’s meticulously organized wedding binder. “Dear, I know you’re set on carnations, but are you sure pink and white and yellow is what you want to go with? Red symbolizes love, and blue could work too, since your wedding will be on the beach…”

Juliet shakes her head. “I’m good with the color scheme. Red is a bit too rich for the feel I want.”

Her mother nods, considering, then flips a few pages in the wedding binder. “I see… you’re going for a more casual sense of festivity, aren’t you?”

“Right. It’s still formal, of course, but not _ stuffy _formal. You’ve seen my dress, right? And the bridesmaid dresses?” 

“I have, and they’re all amazing. You’re going to look so beautiful when you walk down the aisle.” Maryanne gets a sentimental look in her eyes and takes Juliet’s hand, smiling. “My little girl, all grown up.” 

Juliet laughs. “Mom, I’m thirty-three. I’ve been a grown up for a while.” 

“I know, but still. The only one of your siblings who got married later than you is Oliver, and that’s because gay marriage wasn’t legalized until he was thirty-five.” 

_ “Mom,” _she groans, “I’m getting married. Can you please let this go?”

“I could see from the moment you brought Shawn home to meet us that the two of you were perfect together. Honestly, I would have expected this years ago!” 

“Wow, yeah,” comes a new voice. “Who the hell are you marrying, anyway, if it took him a full four years to propose to you?”

Juliet laughs in spite of herself as she turns to face her fiance. “Shawn, knock it off,” she scolds lightly. “Mom, do I need to give the ‘I’m living a happy and successful life and I love Shawn no matter what’ speech again?” 

Shawn kisses the top of her head. “Love you too, babe.” 

Maryanne holds up her hands in surrender. “I know, I know, I’m sorry. Can we go through the list of who’s in the wedding party again?” 

They run through it. Thomas, Shawn, and Gus migrate to the kitchen, and generally stay quiet enough not to be distracting. Every once in a while they get raucous, but a look from Juliet is enough to calm them down. 

“Alright, this looks good,” Maryanne agrees after a detailed conversation. “What about your partner… Carlton? I don’t see him marked as a groomsman.” 

“He’s walking me down the aisle,” Juliet replies, tucking her hair behind her ear. “And we didn’t want a huge group up there, anyway.” She looks up, realizing her mother’s expression has grown distant. “What?”

“Are you even inviting your father?” 

Juliet blinks, the question so unexpected that she takes a minute to process it. When she does, she straightens, her own gaze turning icy. “Frank hasn’t been my father for a long time.”

“You don’t think he’d want to see his only daughter get married?”

“He’s lost his chance to want that.”

Maryanne huffs. “I suppose you’re dancing the father-daughter dance with Carlton, too.” 

“He’s like a brother to me, Mom.”

“Really, Juliet, you couldn’t even have asked one of your own brothers?” 

“No offense to them, but Carlton and I have been through a lot together. I’ve talked to Thomas, and Oliver; you’re the only one who’s upset about this.” 

“Juliet, just because Frank made some mistakes doesn’t make him any less your father.”

“Yeah, well, him repeatedly choosing personal gain over being there for his family does!” Juliet stands abruptly and turns, her hair flying into her face as she storms away.

\---

Juliet grabs the whiskey bottle from on top of the fridge without help, despite the fact that everyone else in the room is significantly taller than her. Shawn and Thomas know better than to offer assistance, and Gus looks as though he might run for the hills if she looks directly at him.

“Jules, you okay?” Shawn asks as he hands her a glass.

She pours herself a normal serving and hands him the bottle. “Fine.”

Accepting the drink Shawn pours for him, Thomas gives her a sympathetic look. “Did Mom bring up Frank again?”

“Take a fucking guess.”

“Alright. Wanna talk?”

“I’d rant, maybe.”

“C’mon, then. Back porch, you can scream all you want.” 

“Fine, but we’re taking the whiskey with us.” 

“As a medical professional, I’m gonna give that a hard no.”

Juliet groans. “Fine. If you’re gonna make me have a family therapy session, we may as well get it over with.”

They exit to the porch, Juliet squeezing Shawn’s hand on the way out. For a few minutes, there’s silence, Juliet and Thomas sipping at their drinks and watching the sun set.

“Is Mom like this with you? Always trying to get you to make up for Frank being Frank?”

“No,” Thomas sighs. “No, she isn’t.”

“I was gonna say, I don’t remember her being like this when you got married.”

“She’s always- she’s had-” Thomas groans and takes a gulp of whiskey. “Julie, you were supposed to fix their marriage.”

Juliet turns to face him so fast that she nearly gets whiplash. “What?”

“I know, I know, it’s messed up, but…” he sighs again. “Look, it was a long time ago, and I was eleven. I wasn’t supposed to know any of this. I’ve probably remembered it wrong.”

“Oh, no, no, no,” Juliet says, an edge in her voice. “No, you don’t get to drop that on me and then take it back. Explanation, now.”

“Jesus, no wonder you’re a great cop,” he mutters. “Alright, look. Mom… Mom thought another baby would be incentive for Frank to clean up his act. It was sort of a last ditch effort, I mean, why do you think you were born so long after Oliver? I don’t even know if Dad had a say in it.”

Juliet blinks. She’s never considered it, but the six-year age gap between her and her closest brother is the larger than the differences between her other brothers combined. “You’re telling me Mom got pregnant on purpose, without telling Dad? She thought a kid would fix everything, like it so clearly did the first three times?”

“I don’t even know, Juliet,” Thomas murmurs. “I wasn’t even supposed to know what was happening, but my room was right above theirs. I could hear it all through the vent.”

\---

** _February 1981_ **

_ Maryanne stands in her bedroom, a positive pregnancy test hidden under the sleeve of her sweater. She hadn’t outright told Frank that she wanted them to have another baby, instead quietly disposing of her birth control pills without his knowledge. But surely he’d be happy… he had to be. She knew the man she’d fallen in love with, the man she’d married, was still in there somewhere. Maybe another baby was all they needed for him to get his head out of his ass and walk the straight and narrow again. _

_ “Frank,” she says quietly, “can I talk to you?” _

_ She sees him school his face into a neutral expression, and wonders what he’s done now that he thinks she’s about to chew him out for. In the next instant she pushes that from her mind, because it’s not what’s important now. _

_ “I’m pregnant, Frank.” She holds out the test, but he barely spares it a glance as a smile spreads over his face. It doesn’t reach his eyes. Maryanne ignores that. _

_ “Oh, Angel,” he breathes. “Are you really? This is- this is fantastic… and quite a surprise.” _

_ Maryanne lets him pull her into his lap, smiling as his hand slips under her sweater to rest on her belly. “Sure is,” she agrees. “Still, I can’t wait to have another one.” _

_ He kisses her on the cheek. “I’ll start helping soon, Love. I’ll make you happy.” _

_ She cups his face in her hands. “Frank, what kind of ‘helping’? I’d be happy for you to change diapers and wash bottles… but if you’re talking more cash that just seems to show up, I don’t want it.” _

_ “Darling, you don’t need to worry about my work-” _

_ “But I do, Frank! I do, because it affects us. It affects our family. I want-” she takes a breath as emotion clouds her voice. “I want this baby to be proud of you like I… like I used to be,” she whispers. “Frank, I’d rather have both of us be working good jobs than be raising four kids on dirty money. Can you do that for me, Frank? If I give you nine more months to clean up the act, can you do it?” _

_ He kisses her softly, wrapping her in his arms. “I can, Maryanne,” he whispers. “I will. I promise.” _

_ \--- _

Juliet scoffs. “You’re telling me Frank promised to shape up because there was a baby on the way, and Mom believe him? How many times has he broken his promises to all of us?" 

“Julie, you have to remember, this was a full decade before he left. They hadn’t even been married for twenty years, and Frank acted like Mr. Right for a long time even once he and Mom got married. She still loved him, I guess, and that begat a lot of trust.”

She sighs and shakes her head.”I know,” she mutters. “I know. But she- I mean, Jesus, what am I, a revenge baby? Why the _ hell _would Mom bring another kid into a situation that was already bad?”

Thomas stretches, turning to sit on the railing and face her. “You made it better, for a bit- really, you did! I wasn’t all that fussed about a baby sister-don’t give me that look, I was eleven- but you made Mom happy, and she wasn’t mad at Frank as much, and I liked that. It was good, for a while.”

Juliet blinks, caught off guard by a painful twisting in her chest. She’d thought that she’d been done wishing for a happier family decades ago. Apparently not.

When she speaks again to her brother, her voice sounds small. “It was? What was it like?” 

\---

** _October 1981_ **

_ Maryanne can’t see much in the dimly lit hospital room, but she can see her husband holding their fourth child, their first daughter, in his arms. “Wow,” Frank breathes. “Juliet Lynn. Aren’t you perfect?” _

_ She’d liked the name Alice, but she’d agreed to Frank’s choice, because it wasn’t a bad name, and really, she’d thought this one would be another boy. “She is perfect,” she murmurs, watching him lay a finger in the infant’s palm. _

_ As months go by, the O’Hara family adjusts to their newest member. Frank gets a job as a file clerk and makes it home for dinner, for games with his sons and movies with his wife and cuddles with his new daughter. Maryanne smiles all the time now, because Juliet makes her smile and Frank with Juliet makes her smile and the boys cherishing their time with their father makes her smile. Frank really has straightened out this time, all for a smiling baby. _

_ Laying a kiss to her daughter’s forehead, Maryanne rests her in her crib and heads for her own bedroom. With her family all together and all happy, she feels like everything is going to be okay. _

_ \--- _

Juliet swallows the dregs of her whiskey, and tells herself that the burn in her throat is from the drink and not the urge to cry. “So we were happy,” she whispers. She’s always thought that that had been the case, always taken comfort in the idea that she had once had a happy family, back before she could remember it. _ But Frank was already testing the waters of crime. It was never what I wanted it to be. _She swallows.

“We were happy,” she repeats. “But it didn’t last, did it?”

Thomas shrugs. “You know how Frank was… is. He pretended, yeah? Everything good he ever did, every time he acted like the perfect dad, it was all just a lie to cover up whatever con he was pulling.”

Juliet nods, staring towards the horizon, but looking at nothing in particular. She leans heavily on the rail of the balcony. “I told him as much, the last time I saw him. His biggest, longest con was on us.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Thomas snorts.

She shouldn’t ask. She’s learned so much over the past half-hour, and it hurts, it hurts like hell, to know she was an act of desperation, barely even half-loved. But she wants to know, once and for all. Had there ever been any real love between Frank and the rest of them?

(No. There hadn’t. But somehow, all of this new information has turned her back into the little girl who climbed into her brothers’ beds when her parents started yelling at night. She needs to know for sure, and Thomas will be able to tell her.)

“Did he love her, Tom? Did he love any of us?” She swallows back tears. “Mom didn’t kick him out until I was eleven. Was he trying? Or was it just that Mom was trying for him?”

Thomas tilts his head, thinking. He sets down his whiskey glass. “I don’t know, Julie. He might have been, for a while, especially when you were first born. But even then, it only lasted a few years.”

\---

** _November 1985_ **

_ The kitchen radio is explaining some local scam between a few law offices as Maryanne prepares dinner. In the dining room, Thomas and Oliver are doing homework, and at the kitchen table, Ewan teaches Juliet to play Go Fish. They’re all happy, and Maryanne is, too. She now works Tuesdays and Thursdays as a librarian, while Frank is still a legal clerk. They’re living comfortably and happily, and as an added bonus, her four-year-old daughter has taught herself to read. _

_ She spreads vegetables over a sheet pan and drizzles them with oil, glancing at the clock as she wonders if she should put them in the oven yet. Should she wait for Frank to get home? _

_ Before she can decide, the door opens, and her husband enters the house. She’s a bit concerned by the cool, almost stormy look on his face, but then it turns to a smile as his little girl runs to him. “Daddy!” _

_ “My wonderful Jewel!” Frank lifts her into his arms, accepting hugs around the waist from Ewan and Oliver. Thomas grins and waves, then turns back to his textbook. “Did you have a good day today? Are your brothers being nice?” _

_ “Yeah! Ewan’s teaching me Fish!” _

_ “It’s ‘Go Fish’ Julie,” Ewan corrects. “C’mon, let’s keep playing.” _

_ When their children scatter once more, Maryanne makes her way to Frank and accepts the gentle kiss he gives her. “Angel,” he murmurs, “I think it’s time for another family adventure.” _

_ She frowns up at him, confused. “What?” _

_ “There’s a nice house calling our name in Callahan, you know, just outside of Jacksonville? I know you love being close to Miami, but we could still come here on vacation. I think it might be time-” _

_ “Frank!” Maryanne pushes herself out of his embrace, utterly shocked. “Frank, what- what is this!? You said- we agreed that Pinecrest was home for us. Why do you want to leave all of the sudden?” _

_ He looks at her with consternation in his eyes, his brows knitting together. In the background, she can still hear the radio. _

_ **Several business in Miami are now facing bankruptcy after a trio of local law offices have been outed in a money laundering scam, the full extent of which the FBI is still investigating…** _

_ Maryanne’s heart stops. _Oh god.

_ “Frank,” she says, “Frank, no, tell me you didn’t-” _

_ “Maryanne, I love you, and I want what’s best-” _

_ “This isn’t it, Frank! This is _ not _ what’s best! Goddamnit, Frank, you promised!” _

_ “It’s not that big of a deal, Angel, I just thought I’d help us out a bit-” _

_ “Not a big deal? The FBI is involved!” _

_ “Which is why it might be best if we headed to Jacksonville, dear. Think about it, maybe a fresh start is what we need! Juliet isn’t even in school yet, it won’t be too hard of a change-” _

_ “God, Frank! This _ was _ our fresh start! You’re damn right she’s not even in school yet, and you think that’s a good thing!? You told me you’d clean it up, Frank! You told me that four years ago! Well, news flash! This isn’t what I meant!” _

_ Frank looks stunned. Ewan and Juliet have left, the former probably trying to protect the latter from the screaming. Thomas and Oliver still sit at the kitchen table, looking scared. _

_ Maryanne lowers her voice, turning away from her husband. “I can’t believe you, Frank. You _ promised _ .” _

_ \--- _

“Wow.” Juliet nods slowly, trying to process. “Jesus. I- I don’t even remember that.”

“Ewan was pretty good at distracting you when they got bad.” Thomas sighs, and Juliet feels another stab of hurt through her chest- losing Ewan feels so fresh, now that she’s spending more time thinking about her family than she has in years.

“We’re really messed up, huh?”

“Yep. And it’s probably not even entirely Frank’s fault.”

“I think I’ll blame him anyway.”

Thomas nods. “That’s fair.”

“I guess I sort of understand, now, why she’s so hung up on him… if it took her that long to let him go, I can’t really blame her for still thinking of him.”

“I see where you’re coming from,” her brother agrees. “Doesn’t make it any more okay for her to try to use you as a proxy.”

“No,” Juliet sighs, “No it doesn’t.”

They’re silent for a few minutes, but she can feel his gaze on her, and finally turns to face him, staring into eyes as blue as her own. “What is it, Tom?" 

“Are you gonna bring this up with Mom?” 

She snorts. “Hell no, are you kidding? I’m getting married in a week, that’s enough drama for now.” 

“I get that… but it has to come up sometime.” 

“Does it?” She tilts her head, her lips pressed together.

“Juliet, this is totally changing your relationship with our mother; I can see it on your face. You know I’m right.”

She groans. “I know, I know. But it sure as hell doesn’t have to come up before my honeymoon.” 

\---

Thomas and Gus leave almost as soon as everyone’s back inside. Maryanne, thank god, had left much earlier.

Shawn asks her if she’s okay three times before realizing she’s not going to answer. When they climb into bed, Juliet lets him hold her as she forces back tears threatening to fall. 

Shawn falls asleep quickly. Juliet does not. 

She’d hoped, for a long time, that Frank had soured after she was born, that her family had been happy and loving, at least for the beginning of her life. 

Well, she’d hoped on the good days. On the bad ones, she’d cursed fate for not letting her get to experience the imagined happiness.

But there hadn’t been any, had there? Not when she was born, maybe not ever, really. It was all just a mess, and her birth had been the eye of a hurricane of lies told and promises broken. What the hell is she supposed to do with that?

Lying in the dark, Juliet decides to treat it like a piece of evidence that doesn’t quite fit into what she knows about a case. She won’t forget it, but she won’t dwell, either.

Holding up her hand, she looks at her shining engagement ring, and then at her sleeping fiance. She has more important things to worry about right now. And if she needs a family, well, she has Shawn right here.

Somehow, even that doesn’t soothe the pain in her heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I now have s o m a n y f e e l s about the O'Hara family... if you want to chat, find me on tumblr at trixiesfranklin


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